A Healing Story (Stories Book 3) Page 13

  A doorman opens the glass door for us. At the concierge counter there’s a woman arguing with someone. When he sees Bas and me his professional mask slips a bit and I can see him relax, happy to deal with us as opposed to her.

  “Can I help you gentlemen?”

  “Hi, we’re here to see Matthias Harthorn. Do you mind calling up or whatever it is you do? My name is Neil Denning.”

  The angry blonde woman turns her focus on me and I have to force myself not to shrink back under her gaze. I have a feeling she’s like a dog and can smell my fear.

  “Who are you?” She sneers, “and what do you want with my son?”

  This was the woman who gave birth to Matthias and Jamie?

  “Mr. Denning,” the concierge says, looking up from his computer screen, “Mr. Harthorn already pre-approved you. Go on up.”

  “Thank you, um which apartment? I’ve never been here before.”

  “8F.” He tells us before turning back to the bitch, “Mrs. Harthorn, I’ve already told you, you are not approved. Now you can leave peacefully or I can have security escort you out.”

  The large, intimidating security guard standing by the bank of elevators takes a step toward the desk.

  “You’re just going to let these strangers walk into my son’s home but not me? His own mother?”

  “Mr. Denning is a friend of Mr. Harthorn’s-”

  “He just said he’s never been here before!” She screeches.

  I roll my eyes, grab Bas’s hand and head toward the elevator, “thank you for your help,” I tell the poor man behind the desk.

  “Now, wait just a minute,” the bitch tries to follow us but the security dude moves to intercept her just as the doors to the elevator open, he must have pushed the button for us.

  “Well, that was fun,” Bas says. “Sure you still want to go through with this? I can see why Jamie has so many issues. Kind of low-key makes me glad I don’t remember much about my mother.”

  “Shut up.”

  It’s tense as we ride up to Matthias’s floor. I’m nervous as all fuck and Bas’s worry isn’t helping. I should have left them in the car but I’m not sure what I’m going to find and I need their unwavering support.

  Matthias’s unit isn’t hard to find. I hesitate to knock. “What if he sees this as an ambush?”

  “It kind of is.” Bas agrees, “but it comes from a place of concern. If he can’t see that then he’s not worth your time.”

  Bas knocks, firmly and loudly, when they see I’m not going to.

  “This is anticlimactic,” Bas says before knocking again.

  I pull out my phone and try calling Matthias. No answer of course. “I swear if one of these rich people call the cops on us because we’re banging on his door I’m going to bang on his face,” Bas grumbles.

  I snort but try the phone again.

  Bas pounds on the door one more time before it finally opens to reveal a disheveled Matthias.

  “You look like shit,” I tell him.

  “Feel like it too.” He steps back enough to let us in.

  “Are we in a magazine?” Bas asks.

  They touch everything in sight, as we both take in the large space. The open floor plan is littered with clean, modern furniture and decorative art hangs on the walls. It is not Matthias. At all.

  Matthias clears his throat, “my mother hired someone when I bought the place.”

  I look back at him, he’s still standing by the door, shifting in place. His blond hair is a mess and there are dark circles under his eyes.

  He’s still wearing his pants from last night but that’s all.

  “You were drinking,” I say softly.

  He nods.

  “Bathtub levels?”

  “Think I fucked my back up for good this time,” he replies.

  “I’m going to make coffee on this fancy machine here, maybe y’all should go talk while I do that and sort out some breakfast,” Bas says in the tense silence.

  Matthias nods again, finally moving from the door. He heads down a hall and I follow close behind.

  Matthias’s bedroom is just as impersonal as the rest of the place. A bedroom should be warm and inviting. The place you go to at the end of the day and unwind. Not this cold room that has his things in it but nothing to show that he actually lives here.

  I sit on the bed while Matthias rummages around in the bathroom. When he comes out he’s dressed in a pair of sweats. The ends of his hair are damp, and he looks a little clearer in the face.

  “Did you take anything?” I ask as he sits next to me.

  “Just now. Why are you here?”

  “I was worried. You didn’t call me. Didn’t respond to any calls or texts. I’m sorry if I overstepped, but you can’t pull this kind of shit with me.”

  “I’m sorry. I meant to call you. I...last night…”

  Cautiously, I set my hand on his leg. He doesn’t move away but he does stiffen.

  “I don’t think I can do this.”

  “Matthias-”

  “Last night,” he swallows, “I didn’t think it would be like that.”

  “Like what?” I whisper, scared out of my mind.

  “Your siblings knowing about us is different than having my brother and his best friend know.”

  “Rhys won’t do that to you. As close as he is to Jamie, he knows it’s not his secret to tell.”

  He nods absently. “Knowing that I have feelings for you...knowing what it all means to me. Having your siblings know...it’s different than actually saying it. Than admitting how I feel and to someone who knows me. Or at least the dickish version of me that I’ve been trying to leave behind.”

  “Do you regret it?”

  “Claiming you? No. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and you deserve so much better.” He shakes his head, “God, that’s so fucking cliche, but it’s true. I don’t deserve having you as my friend, or as more.”

  “Coming out isn’t easy for anyone. It happens on your own terms, when you’re ready and not a minute before. I’m sorry you were pushed into that position last night. I should have known better.”

  “It’s not about coming out. Not really. It’s about me deciding if this is really what I want. If turning into a fucking faggot like my brother is the best thing for me.”

  I snatch my hand back as tears burn my eyes.

  So this is the direction we’re going to go. I wish I could say I’m surprised. I’m not. I always knew this thing between us would end with me shattered.

  I was an idiot for not doing more to protect myself. This is why I brought Bas today. I won’t be strong enough to face my heartbreak alone.

  Matthias.

  I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth but I can’t take them back. My body hurts from sleeping in the tub. My head pounds, from the alcohol, the guilt, the helpless feeling that’s making my stomach turn.

  I’m sitting here actively doing what I swore over and over again I wouldn’t do.

  I don’t know what I’m doing anymore and I’m hurting both of us in the process.

  Standing, I pace back and forth. My body hates me for the movement but I can’t sit still. Not when everything inside me is spinning.

  “I understand,” Neil says dejectedly. “I’ll get Bas and we’ll go. You won’t have to worry about Rhys, I’ll talk to him and somehow convince him not to come after you.”

  “No,” I all but shout. “I don’t want you to leave. I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry for what I said. You have to know I didn’t mean it. I just...it’s all jumbled up in my head and I can’t fucking think straight. But please,” I’m not above begging. “I can’t take it if you leave. Not unless...unless that’s what you want. I won’t force you to stay with me if that’s what you want, but God, I really hope you want to stay.”

  “I can’t deal with the mixed signals anymore, Matthias!” He yells. “I get that you need time and that you’re freaking out because you were forced to admit that you’r
e not straight last night, but you can’t do this to me or yourself.”

  I take a few deep, calming breaths before speaking. “You don’t know how sorry I am for putting you through this. I wouldn’t blame you if you walked out that door and never returned. This isn’t what I wanted when I asked you out. When I decided to be more than friends.”

  I stop pacing and stand in front of him. There are tears running steadily down his cheeks and my heart fucking cracks at the sight.

  I don’t understand all of my feelings for him, but seeing him so broken...it’s a special kind of hell. I want to wrap him up and never let him go but he deserves so much more than I can give him.

  My heart breaks because I can’t be the man he needs.

  “I can’t be gay or bi or anything but straight,” I whisper. My voice cracks a little and tears burn the back of my eyes. “I suffered too greatly to give into that kind of temptation.” Taking a deep breath I kneel down and grab his hands. “If I were going to own up to that kind of truth, you are exactly the kind of man I would want to be with.”

  “Please,” he whispers. “I’ll walk away if you need me to, but please, help me understand.”

  I look away. I can’t handle his compassion right now. I can’t watch his expression morph into pity.

  “Did you know me and Jamie spent the whole summer with a dude we ended up calling Wacko. His real name was Jim. He liked to pretend that he was a qualified counselor who could help us find our true selves or some bullshit like that.”

  I pull away from Neil so I can get more comfortable on the floor, sitting against the bed, I set a hand on his calf, he strokes my hair and I find the strength to tell him my worst secrets.

  Matthias. Age 23.

  Last night I slept in Jameson’s room because I don’t trust Jim. I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to try again. Jameson thinks we should tell Pete. That even though he’s here to babysit us and make sure we do what Jim wants, he also won’t allow Jim to abuse us. After all, the whole point of this is to get rid of any disgusting homosexual urges in the first place.

  I don’t know how I feel about Pete and ultimately Marta having that knowledge though. I know our mother well enough to know that she’ll try to use it against us in the future. So for now I’ll stay with Jameson in his room, until it proves to be unnecessary. At least the bed is big and comfortable.

  Today, it’s my turn to go with Jim one on one. I made Jameson swear not to follow us. I told him I would be watching for him. And I don’t want to expose him anymore to Jim’s wrath. I’m the older brother, it’s my job to protect us.

  After all, I’m the one who got us into this mess.

  We walk down to the creek. Jim talks about all the ways that homosexuality is a sin and why we must protect ourselves from it. I tuned out his bullshit a long time ago. I don’t agree with Jameson’s sexuality, but I also know that half the shit that comes out of Jim’s mouth is nothing but crap. I don’t have to like or agree with my brother’s choices, but I for damn sure am not going to listen to a fucking idiot. Especially one that tried to hurt him.

  “Now, Matthias,” Jim says when we stop at the water’s edge. “You stopped me from checking your brother’s purity.”

  Clenching my fists I try to take slow, measured breaths. Punching the asshole won’t do any good.

  “Your mother said he has been hanging around another deviant. If that is true it would only stand to reason that he would know how to… pleasure a man as only a woman should know. I had to test it. You understand that, don’t you?”

  Jim sets one clammy hand on my shoulder. “As I’m sure you also understand that I have to make sure that your brother did not taint you.”

  He puts pressure on my shoulder, trying to make me go down on my knees. “Don’t fight me, Matthias.” He pauses. “It will only make it worse for Jameson, and I think we both know that you don’t want that.”

  My stomach twists but I kneel on the ground.

  The guilt has been eating me up for two weeks now. If I knew then where my actions would lead to, I never would have chosen the path I did. Hindsight and all that.

  Except what other choice did I have?

  It was either admit the truth or throw my brother and Alexander Breneman under the bus. I chose wrong, destroying the only happiness my brother ever had, but I didn’t know what else to do.

  And what choice do I have now? Let this man abuse me, or sit back and allow him to hurt my brother?

  I’ll never win the world's best brother award, but no one can ever say I didn’t do my best.

  When Jim undoes his pants and pulls out his ugly dick, I close my eyes, and don’t fight him.

  Neil.

  Tears run down my face as Matthias finishes telling me his story. I don’t know what to do. What to say. What can you do or say in the face of something like this?

  I’m not an idiot. I know that things like this happen. As better as things are getting, there’s still so much bad in the world. So much hatred and so many people getting hurt because of people like Marta Harthorn.

  My foster mother didn’t love it when first Bas and then I came out, but she only washed her hands of us. She didn’t try to fundamentally change who we are. I don’t think I would have survived it.

  I don’t know how Jamie and Matthias did. They are stronger men than either of them realize and my admiration for them both just went up to a million percent.

  A sob tears itself out of Matthias’s throat and I’m down on the floor next to him in a flash. I pull his trembling body to mine and hold on for dear life.

  “It’s okay,” I whisper into his flesh. “It’s okay. I got you. I got you and I’m not going to let you go.”

  “You can’t...shouldn’t be here,” he cries. “I have nothing to give you.”

  “Shhh,” I press a kiss to his head and rub circles onto his back. His sobs break me from the inside out.

  Holding this broken man in my arms, I realize the stupid feelings I’ve been fighting for weeks are greater than I wanted to admit. I don’t just feel something—I feel everything for him.

  Against all odds I went and fell in love with the asshole known as Matthias Harthorn. And as I comfort him, while the horrors of his past try to tear him apart, I know that I cannot ever let him go.

  The question is: will he let me love him through his pain?

  I don’t know how long we sit on the floor, but eventually the sobbing subsides. Eventually he stops shaking.

  His arms come around me and we hold each other for long moments.

  “Do you want to leave? Now that you know I’m tainted?”

  “What?” I gasp. “No! Of course not. You’re not tainted. Baby, we’re all a little broken. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve happiness.”

  “I don’t deserve you.” His tone is so beat down, so full of melancholy. As if he’s already given up the fight.

  “Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. I’m taking that choice away from you, Matthias. I say you deserve me. And I deserve you.”

  I pull away from him, cupping his face with my hands, I make sure he looks me straight in the eye. “Do you hear me? I chose you that night in the bar. I chose you when you asked me out. And I will continue to choose you. Nothing that wack job did or said could ever make me change my mind. I promise you that.” I swallow hard and fight back more tears. “I want you. I’m claiming you here and now, Matthias Harthorn. You are mine. You’re stuck with me now. Do you understand that?”

  “Why,” he whispers.

  His vulnerability breaks my heart. All I’ve wanted from the beginning was to get underneath that armor of his and see the real man. Now that I have, I want to wrap him in bubble wrap and never let him be hurt again.

  “Because…” I can’t say it. I can’t let those three precious words be said at this moment. “Because you’re special. I’ve known that since the beginning. Even when you were jerking me around and denying what you felt. I saw it.”

  “I can�
�t...I can’t just let it go. This isn’t something that is just going to go away overnight. I’ve spent the past eleven years suffering, Neil. I don’t know how to stop.”

  I kiss him, short and sweet. “We’ll figure it out together.” I pause before saying, “I have something to confess.”

  “What?” His hold on me tightens and my heart breaks more; soon there will be nothing left of it.

  “One of the reasons why I allowed you into my life is because I saw the pain and darkness in your eyes. I knew that you were hurting. I didn’t know how or why, but I knew. And I wanted to help you in any way that I could.” I take a deep breath. “I might not have known the truth, but I’ve seen too many people suffer to let you go. I grew up in the wake of Bas, Jamie, and Rhys. The three of them have always been strong voices in our community.

  “You wouldn’t know this but Jamie and Rhys literally fought their way through the controversy and the bigots when they were in college. There wasn’t a fight they would walk away from.

  “Bas has always donated to charity, has always volunteered at shelters, has always sought to find the most vulnerable of us all. They lost someone once, long ago, and they’ve tried their best to keep it from happening again.

  “We all know that it will never be enough. We can’t save everyone. But we damn sure are going to try.” I kiss him again. “You might have started out as someone I wanted to help, but make no mistake, my feelings are real and I don’t have plans on letting you go unless that’s what you really want.”

  “I don’t understand how you would want to be with me after that. After knowing that I’m the reason Jamie had to go through that.”

  “You are not the reason. You did what you did, yes. And we’ll talk about that part of it when you’re ready, but you are not the reason for Jamie and Alex’s separation, for Jamie’s hurt, or for what happened to you. That nut job and your parents are.

  “I might not know what it’s like to have parents, but I do know that they’re supposed to love you unconditionally. They’re not supposed to throw their kids away because of who they love.” I choke on my words.