A Healing Story (Stories Book 3) Page 14

  His blue eyes swim with tears as he stares at me in amazement. As if he really thought I was going to walk out on him after hearing the truth.

  “You really mean all that, don’t you?”

  I nod, “I do.” I hesitate, “I also think you should see someone.” He stiffens and I tighten my grip on his face. “Don’t pull away, please. Listen to me. Getting help doesn’t make you weak. Everyone needs help once in a while. There are some things bigger than us that we can’t always see clearly enough to deal with. I told you before that I’ve been in and out of therapy for the past fifteen years. There’s nothing wrong with it. Your brother goes to therapy, Alex does as well. So do Rhys and Noah. Bas used to when they first came out.

  “It doesn’t mean anything except that you need someone impartial to help you work through it.”

  “I don’t trust anyone who considers themselves a professional counselor.”

  I understand the problem now. “Baby,” sliding my hands down to his waist, I drag him closer to me. “I am so fucking sorry you went through that. No one should ever have to live through something like that. Ever. But you can’t keep it bottled up inside. I know what happened scared you and broke your trust, but you know a real therapist would never hurt you. They’d help you get through it.”

  He buries his face in my neck. “I don’t know how to forget.”

  “You don’t. But you give yourself the tools to not let it control you anymore.”

  He takes a shuddering breath. “Are you really here with me?”

  I kiss his head, “yeah, baby. I’m here with you. I’ll be here as long as you want me. As long as you need me.”

  “A long time then,” he says in a small voice. Forever, if he wants. I’ll be here forever.

  Matthias takes another breath, this one is steadier. “How you feelin?”

  “Like shit,” he clears his throat. “If it’s okay with you, I would like to finish this discussion later.”

  “Okay. Just, don’t shut me out, okay? I’m here for you, but only if you talk to me. I promise I won’t walk away. Not unless you want me to, or you treat me like you did when we met.”

  He pulls away so we’re no longer touching and everything inside me feels the loss. “No, never again. I swear, Neil. You have my permission to put me in my place. I can’t,” he takes a breath, “I can’t lose you, not after all that.”

  “Then you won’t. We’ll figure it out. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  I can see on his face that he needs a change of subject. This morning was already an emotional one.

  “Let’s go see what Bas is up to. Fair warning, they’re nosy as fuck and probably looked through everything they can reach.”

  “That’s okay. I have nothing to hide, not anymore.”

  No, he doesn’t, at least not from me. I hope he remembers that.

  Matthias.

  I’m wrung out. I didn’t mean to unload all of that onto Neil. Not this early into our relationship. The fact that he still wants to have a relationship with me boggles my mind. I don’t understand how this kind, caring man could want me. I’m a fucking mess. One who hasn’t been all that fair to the man currently holding my hand and leading me into my own kitchen.

  Bas is at the stove, the scent of coffee and bacon makes my stomach rumble. How I’m hungry after that emotional dump is a mystery, but at least food will help with the hangover.

  “It’s not much,” Bas says, “but I made do with what I found.” They plate bacon and eggs—the only things I can make besides toast—and gesture to the coffee machine. “If you’re up for the next three days, it’s not my fault. I should not be left alone with fancy espresso makers.”

  Neil sighs but grabs two mugs from the dish drainer and fills them.

  The three of us sit at the dining table, but it’s not the light hearted fun we had a few weeks ago. The air is thick with tension. Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe my volatile emotions have polluted everything around me.

  “Are y’all okay?” Bas finally asks.

  “Yeah, we’re okay. Or we will be. I’m just a mess.”

  “Oh, honey, I knew that already. A hot one though.” They wink at me. “Seriously, I’m glad you’re okay. I’ve never seen Neil like this before. We’re not joined at the hip, despite what our sister thinks. But I was worried about him when he showed up at my place at the ass crack of dawn overflowing with his worry for you.”

  Guilt begins to set in, but when I look over at Neil, I see nothing but calm patience and understanding. It doesn’t make it easier to stomach.

  “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” Neil asks suddenly.

  “Nothing. I didn’t get a chance to tell you because everything between us has happened so fast, but I stopped going to my parents for now. I need time to figure out where we stand and what that means for my life. Being around them would only make that impossible.”

  “We only got a glimpse of her this morning, but I don’t blame you one bit.”

  “What are you talking about,” I turn to Bas as they shoot Neil a guilty look.

  “Marta was here? She saw you?” My heart stops.

  “She was arguing with the concierge when we arrived. I think security finally stepped in and escorted her out when we were getting on the elevator.” Neil admits.

  “Oh this is not good.” My food sits heavy in my stomach. “Marta only does her own dirty work when she’s out of options and going for blood.” I look between the siblings, “she knew you were here for me?”

  Neil nods, “she wasn’t very impressed with the fact that I was pre-approved and she wasn’t.”

  “She’s on the no-go list. She’s not allowed anywhere near my place.” I run a hand through my hair. “I need to call Alex. Jamie is not safe from her if she’s coming to see me in person.”

  “Surely you’re overreacting a bit? I mean, the bitch seemed scary but she’s still your mother. What harm could she really do?” Bas asks.

  “A lot. She broke us when we were kids and I have no doubt she’ll try it again. I don’t want her anywhere near Jamie.”

  “You can talk to Rhys. But not today.” Neil says. “Right now you need to sit down and take a chill pill before you give yourself a heart attack. She seemed pretty determined to get to you today. The studio is closed until Tuesday. And from what I remember, she doesn’t know where Jamie and Alex live. Plus, they go to Alex’s parents’ for dinner on Sundays, so they’ll be okay. I dare anyone who tries to mess with someone Mama Breneman calls family. That woman is scary. Like, Southern mother who will feed you a pie laced with cyanide, scary.”

  “And she’ll do it all while wearing a smile,” Bas interjects.

  That is the most accurate portrayal of Bridget Breneman I’ve ever heard. I stay seated even though I want to find my phone and make sure that Marta doesn’t show up anywhere she shouldn’t. But Neil and Bas are right. There’s nothing I can do right now, not in the state I’m in. I’ll be more of a hindrance than a help.

  “Let’s talk about something happy now,” Bas says with false cheer. “Thanksgiving. You’ll spend it with us. Maribelle is butt hurt that she didn’t know about your existence before last night so we’ll change that.”

  I immediately shake my head, “I couldn’t impose like that.”

  “It’s not imposing. We want you there. I want you there.” Neil reaches for my hand. “The holidays are about being together with the people who love you, I understand that we’re not your family, but I’m inviting you to be a part of mine, just for a few hours. Please?”

  I already see a trend starting as I can’t say no to him. “If you’re sure.”

  “I’m sure.” He smiles at me and my heart does a weird little flip.

  “Okay. Then I’ll have Thanksgiving dinner with you and your family.”

  Neil kisses me and for those few seconds everything is right in the world.

  Rhys.

  I’m not normally a nervous person, but when I pull up to Neil’
s house I don’t want to get out of the car. I wasn’t surprised when he called me this morning, this conversation needs to happen sooner rather than later, but now that I’m here, I’m worried.

  I should have brought Noah, but I didn’t want to overwhelm them and I can’t tell Jamie yet. Which is the worst thing ever at a time like this. I’m not used to keeping things from him.

  Taking a breath I leave the safety of my car and head up to the house. It doesn’t take long for Neil to answer the door after I knock. He looks just as stressed as I feel. Dark eyes full of worry, curls a mess.

  “Thanks for coming, do you want coffee?”

  “Please,” I won’t tell Noah that I had more caffeine, “you know I’m always here for you. Even for something like this.”

  Neil leads me into the kitchen where Matthias is waiting, cup of coffee sitting in front of him. He looks up when we enter and tries to go for a smile but doesn’t quite make it. If I thought Neil looked stressed I was wrong. Matthias looks like he hasn’t slept in two weeks, I can feel the anxiety radiating off him.

  It’s a tense few minutes as Neil prepares more coffee. Matthias fidgets in his seat but he doesn’t look at me or say anything and I have no idea what to say. I never thought I would be in this position. I imagined going toe to toe with Matthias Harthorn for years, never once in those fantasies was this a possibility.

  Neil sets a mug down in front of me and I snatch it up like I haven’t had a whole pot to myself already this morning.

  “Thank you for coming. I know I already said that, but I have to say it again. Because I know this is weird for you and unexpected and I’m just really thankful you haven’t tossed me out on my ass and that you’re willing to hear us out.” He runs a hand through his hair. “God, I’m a fucking mess. Maybe I should have let Bas stay.”

  “Take a deep breath, Neil.” Poor kid. This is not him, at all. He must really care about the dickhead sitting next to him. “I won’t fire you or stop being your friend. Not for this. You can’t help who you like. I know that better than anyone. You think I ever thought I would be where I am with Noah? Fuck no. And look at us now, we bought a fucking house together. If you told me last year that this would be my life I would have asked you what you’re smoking. So I get it. I might not understand the hows and the whys but I get it.”

  Neil takes my advice and breathes for a few seconds before reaching for Matthias’s hand. He gives it easily though he does flick his eyes to me first.

  “I’m going to assume you know what Marta did to us,” Matthias says, attention focused on the table.

  His words knock me on my ass. The first time Jamie opened up to me about what he went through...it was where our love of tequila was born. I have no doubt that he’s held back some details, things he couldn’t share, but for the most part he’s told me everything about what happened.

  “You assume correctly.”

  Matthias nods. “Then you know why I’m having such a hard time with this. I won’t make excuses and say that’s why I was such a horrible person to both you and my brother over the years. There are no excuses.

  “But I want you to know that I am so fucking sorry for what I said and did. I don’t expect forgiveness. I know I don’t deserve that, what I do want is a chance. I can’t make things right, but I can swear to try to make them better.”

  If I didn’t know Matthias, hadn’t witnessed the way he treated Jamie over the years, I wouldn’t believe that the man in front of me was capable of saying the cruel things he’s said. This vulnerable man in front of me is not the one I was expecting. Of course, I knew there had to be something more for Neil to be with him. Neil isn’t the type to take shit from anyone.

  “What do you want from me? If this was just about Neil, I already had plans to reassure him when we go into work tomorrow. If you want me to give you access to Jamie, I can’t do that.” I shake my head, “that kind of betrayal...no.”

  “That’s not what I want. Well, sort of. You’re the closest person to my brother. You know him better than anyone. I just want him to give me a chance to get some things off my chest. I’m not asking for anything more than that. I don’t want you to go out of your way, but when he comes to you—because we all know he will—can you try to get him to listen? Please? I’m not asking for me. I’m asking for him. I swear I just want the chance to apologize.”

  “Why should I? What if it’s in Jame’s best interest for me to steer him clear of you?”

  “Then that’s what you’ll do. I won’t force you to do something you don’t want.” He pulls away from Neil and stands. “I’m not a good person. I know that,” his voice breaks. “I don’t deserve to be asking this of you, but I’m tired of living like this.” He paces back and forth, his hands tugging at his hair. “I don’t want to hide and lie anymore.” He stops and casts a fond look at Neil, “I want to let Jamie know that I not only regret everything I did, but I want him to know that I found someone who can see past the broken, fucked-up parts of me and still want to be with me. He’s the only person in my family that could ever understand. And even if he never wants to see me again, I want him to know that I was only ever this brave because I learned it from him.”

  “Baby,” Neil whispers. He’s up and out of his seat, hugging the lights out of Matthias.

  Matthias, for his part, hangs onto Neil. His eyes close and for the first time, in all the years I’ve known him, he looks content—happy.

  “Okay,” I say. “I can’t forgive you for everything you’ve put him through, but I can see that you’re serious.”

  Matthias opens his eyes and looks at me. His eyes hold a similar pain to what I’ve seen in Jamie’s over the years. Only whereas Jame’s has been getting better thanks to Alex and their love for each other, and therapy, Matthias is drowning. I know what that’s like. And it hardens my resolve to give him a chance.

  “Okay, if you’re doing this you need a plan. One that will help show that you’re serious and sincere.”

  They pull away and retake their seats at the table. “You can’t ambush him. If he’s taken by surprise he’ll be more worried about getting you out and away from those he cares about instead of listening to anything you have to say.” I hesitate before saying fuck it and laying some more cards on the table. “My partner homeschools his sister. She’s ten. She’s basically his kid. We’re all really protective of her. More often than not she hangs out with Neil all day. So you can see why going in there and trying to get Jamie to talk to you won’t work. He’ll be more worried about how that will affect her than anything else.”

  He nods. “So what? You want me to call him, try to get him to meet me somewhere?”

  “Yeah, neutral ground would be best.”

  “He’s blocked my number.”

  “Find a landline, call the studio. You’re smart, you’ll figure it out.”

  “Anything else?”

  “I know you sent him a card. I helped him burn it.”

  Neil snorts while Matthias grimaces.

  “Reaffirm that you care about him...if you do.”

  “I do! I know it doesn’t seem like it but I really do. I’m just messed up.”

  That’s one way to put it. “I’ll be honest, Jamie listens to me, yes, and I want to believe that you’re being sincere, most of my faith is based on the fact that I know Neil. I trust his judgement. If he’s comfortable enough to get into a relationship with you, then you can’t be all bad. But I won’t push an agenda. My responses will be based on Jame because at the end of the day I only want what’s best for him. If that’s not you then that’s a pill you’re going to have to swallow.” I pause to flick my hair out of my eyes, “eventually you’re going to have to find a way to tell Jamie that you’re with Neil. Even if nothing comes of you trying to talk to him this time. Because Neil is his friend too. And to be honest we’ve been curious.” I turn to Neil, “you’ve been distracted and jumpy whenever your phone rings for the last few months. But in the last two or three weeks you�
��ve seemed more...settled.

  “It’s safe to assume that’s been because of him.”

  Neil nods. “Yes, he’s...so much more than I expected.”

  “Hmm, okay. I’ll trust you on this, until there’s a reason not to. I’m sorry,” I say in response to his wince. “You know that this isn’t easy for me. I’m not used to a remorseful Matthias, let alone a gay one.”

  “B-bisexual,” Matthias chokes out.

  I raise an eyebrow. Slightly awed at his courage. This is not how I expected my morning to go.

  Matthias squirms under my scrutiny. “It’s not easy being honest about this.”

  Neil rubs his shoulder, “you’re doing great, baby. Rhys understands.”

  I nod because I do. Being out is hard for anyone. Someone like Matthias? I can’t even imagine.

  “There’s one more thing we need to discuss.” Matthias is back to keeping his attention elsewhere. “My mother stopped by my apartment yesterday. I’m worried about what it means that she’s doing her own dirty work.”

  “Oh, that’s not good. Don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on Jamie. She won’t get to him. Why now though?”

  “Because I stopped going to the house and taking her calls. I’m finally becoming the man I want to be, I’m not allowing her to fuck that up for me.”

  “I understand that. Thanks for the heads up. I don’t know how to spin that one, since I can’t tell Jamie I know without giving up y’all. But hopefully she only focuses on you.”

  Matthias raises his eyes to mine. “She was trying to get me in contact with him around his birthday. I refused.”

  “You sent him a card.”

  “To let him know that I was thinking about him. Even though he hates me, as he should, I still wanted him to know.”

  “Okay. I need to get home. I won’t make promises, but I’ll feel Jamie out for you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “If you hurt Neil I will fuck you up. Do you understand?”