A Healing Story (Stories Book 3) Page 11

  “You want to figure out your stupid feelings? Go out with me. Let’s see if it’s worth it.”

  “And if it’s not? What? We fuck up our friendship for nothing? I’m already getting attached, Matthias. I can’t go through that. Don’t you understand?”

  “You won’t lose my friendship. I can promise you that, Neil. I need you a lot more than you need me.”

  “I might be willing to put up with a lot from you, Matthias, but I refuse to be a fucking experiment.”

  That stings, but it’s understandable.

  “You know you’re more than that.”

  “Do I? I know you have no problems sucking dick, but that doesn’t translate into other things. If I go on a date with you and it works out? I’ll want more. It’s been a long time since I’ve met someone who I felt things for. We both know that you’re not ready for what that means. You can barely admit that you’re not straight. To go on a date? To have it possibly lead to more?” He shakes his head, “no, I can't, I won’t do it. I refuse to live my life in a lie.”

  I want to protest but I know he’s right.

  Neil sighs, “I’m not asking you to come out to the world or anything. I would never do that to you. But I will require you to be more honest with me—and yourself—than ever.”

  It’s my turn to push away from the table. I asked for this. Neil wasn’t asking for more than I could give, he was just being honest. I’m the one who pushed, the one who asked for more. These are his conditions, what he deserves. I would be a horrible person if I didn’t respect that.

  “I’m not doing this just because you admitted that you feel something for me. I would never use your feelings against you like that. I want this. I truly do. Give me a chance, please.”

  Standing, I move around to his side of the table. Reaching down, I grab his hands and pull him up with me. Wrapping my arms around him I hold him tight against me. “I promise I want this, Neil. Yes, it’s kind of crazy and coming out of nowhere, but we have to start somewhere, right? It’s not fair to either one of us if we don’t take a chance.”

  “And if we end up hurting each other?” His hands fist my shirt.

  “We’ll figure it out. I promise. Friends first, okay?”

  He pulls away enough to look up at me. “I’m not this person. I don’t take risks like this. Befriending you was risking enough. I shouldn’t be considering dating you.”

  “You don’t have to agree. We can go back to what we were doing.”

  “Can we though? Now that all this is out there, can we really go back to dancing around each other?”

  “If that’s what you needed, yes. Despite what you might think of me I really am trying my best not to hurt you, Neil.”

  He stares at me for a long moment before surging up on his toes and kissing me. I grip him tighter, holding him against me. This kiss is like the one in the bathroom a few weeks ago. It’s hot and passionate, Neil pours everything he feels into it and I don’t allow myself to hold back either.

  He’s panting when he pulls away and looks me in the eye. “This date better be worth it.”

  Matthias.

  The upscale bistro I’m meeting my father at for brunch is worlds away from the diner that Neil is so fond of.

  Sitting at the small, round table, looking around at the chandeliers and fancy table settings causes my chest to tighten. I don’t want to be here. This isn’t the life I want. Except it’s the one I’ve been living my whole life because I was taught that anything less would be beneath me.

  I don’t want stupid classical music playing overhead, soft, but loud enough to drown out the low murmur of the other patrons. I want greasy food and exuberant kids, I want endless coffee and waitresses who know you by name, not because of how much money you’re dropping, but because they actually care to remember you.

  It’s shameful that it’s taken me this long to realize that this is not the life I want to lead.

  “Matthias,” Vincent greets me when the hostess leads him to my table. I stand and give him a quick, brief hug.

  “Thank you for coming. I know it was a bit last minute.”

  “Don’t worry about that,” he waves his hand as we both take a seat. “I was surprised you called, but this is nice. We haven’t spent much time together in years.”

  I wish I could feel guilty over that, but I can’t. He might not have been the one pulling the strings all those years ago, but he let it happen.

  “I need your help.”

  “Anything.” He looks at me with the same whiskey-colored eyes Jamie inherited, warm and comforting, even if he pulled away from us more and more the older we got. God, how I wish I took after him instead of Marta.

  “I need you to tell Mother to back off.”

  If he’s surprised he hides it well.

  “I won’t be coming to Sunday dinner anymore. It’s past the time I stopped. If she actually cared about me like a parent should it wouldn’t be an issue. But it’s a control thing. We both know it.”

  She started when Jamie went off to college. She wanted to make sure he knew she was watching him, trying to intimidate his sexuality out of him or some shit like that. She continued after he disowned us because she wanted to make sure I fell into the line she’s always set for me.

  Enough is enough.

  “You know it won’t be that easy, Matthias, your mother… she doesn’t have the most conventional methods to show it, but she does care for you boys.”

  I bark out a cruel laugh. “Bullshit, a mother who loves her children doesn’t put them through what Marta did to us.”

  Vincent flinches, good.

  The waitress comes and we order coffee and eggs benedict, because it’s the only thing worth eating on the overpriced menu. What I wouldn’t give for bacon and sausage and those fluffy as hell pancakes from the diner.

  I wonder how much time I’ll have to add to my gym routine tomorrow if I go get breakfast for dinner tonight.

  “I’ll try my best to keep your mother off your back, it won’t be easy but I’ll try. Why now though? The best time would have been when Jamie left.”

  “I wasn’t ready then. Despite everything I do care for you. I didn’t want to lose the little bit of family I had left. I can only guess that’s how Jamie felt all those years.”

  A soft smile crosses his face.

  “What?”

  He shrugs, “you called your brother Jamie. Normally you use his full name.”

  It’s my turn to shrug. “It’s time. Even if he never talks to me again it’s only right for me to respect him and call him by the name he wants to be called.”

  Neil said calling someone by the right pronouns is extremely important. After Bas ambushed us he told me that he was proud of how accepting I was, and how fast I adapted to using they/them in reference to his sibling.

  I shrugged and said that it would make me a disrespectful ass if I didn’t.

  That’s when he gave me my next queer lesson as he calls them. And explained how people purposefully misgender trans and enby people. How even their own family members do it and also deadname them—call them by their birth or previous name—even after they change it.

  It blew my mind. Even not knowing it was a thing, I still always tried my best. I would want someone to respect my name choices, it’s only fair to respect someone else’s.

  “I wasn’t ready back then, but I am now. Plus...I met someone.”

  “Oh, you know your mother will be very interested to hear that. But it won’t be from me,” he promises. “What’s her name?”

  “It’s not a she. His name is Neil. And that’s all I’m going to say at the moment.”

  “I see. And is this...Neil, the reason you want to get away from your mother?”

  “Yes and no. He doesn’t know about my personal life, not really. But I want him to. I just have to figure out how to tell him. I can’t do that when I’m reminded every week of what happened when I was in that house.”

  Our food comes so he
doesn’t get to respond for a few minutes.

  “You know I didn’t agree with what she did, right? I didn’t even know about it until it was too late.”

  “You didn’t stop her. You stayed with her. For the past eleven years, you’ve been brushing it under the rug. Are you sorry for it at least?”

  Vincent’s fork clatters onto the plate. “Of course I am. What kind of father would I be if I didn’t have remorse?”

  A shitty one, but I don’t voice that. Because there’s so many other things that make him a shitty father and the middle of a nice restaurant is not the place to get into that conversation.

  We finish our food in stony silence. I pick up the tab and this time he doesn’t try to argue with me.

  “Thank you for meeting with me,” I say before getting up and walking out. He doesn't try to call me back, there’s nothing that can be said. I asked for his help and that’s all I need from him.

  I’m no longer the twenty-three-year-old boy who needed his father to protect him and his younger brother.

  I’m the one who protected us both.

  Matthias. Age 23.

  “Today we’re going to start our individualized sessions,” Jim says with that creepy smile of his. “Jameson, since you need the most help you’ll go first.”

  Jameson reluctantly follows Jim off the porch and to the woods. When Jim tries to place an arm around Jameson, only to be brushed off, a sense of dread creeps in.

  Growing up we spent weeks up here, Jameson and I know these woods like the back of our hands. I follow them at a discreet distance.

  Jim probably won’t ever know I’m here, with the way he’s stomping along, tripping over almost everything. Jameson will though, if he pays attention.

  They walk for a while, Jim talking nonsense all the while. It’s not until Jim stops and turns to Jameson that my heart starts to pound faster.

  Jim says something but I’m too far away to hear it, Jameson doesn’t hold back in volume though. “And what test is that?” he spits.

  Whatever Jim says next has my brother shaking his head and saying “no.”

  Jim shoves Jameson back until he hits a tree, Jameson and I both yell out no this time.

  I rush out of my hiding spot and shove Jim back.

  “What the fuck are you doing?”

  “You shouldn’t be here,” Jim says calmly. “This is between your brother and me. I need to test his purity.”

  Bile rises up and my whole body shakes. I shove the asshole again and get in his face, “you will not touch him again, understand?”

  “Your mother-”

  “I don’t give a flying fuck what she said or how much she’s paying you. If you even look at him funny I will bury you so deep in these woods no one will ever find your body. Do you understand?”

  Jim’s beady eyes narrow but he nods.

  Turning my back on him I find my brother, still plastered to the tree, eyes wide, body trembling. “Come on. He’s not going to do anything.”

  We leave Jim behind taking a new path to the cabin so he can’t follow us.

  “Thank you,” Jameson says quietly.

  “Don’t thank me for that. That is not something you thank me for. I’ll make sure he doesn’t touch you.”

  We don’t say anything else, there’s no need to.

  Neil.

  “So, where’s lover boy taking you?” Bas asks. They decided that they need to help me dress for my date, I know them better than that, though, they’re here just to be nosy.

  “I have no idea. And will you stop calling him that?”

  “But how are you supposed to dress if you don’t know the environment, and don’t give me that bullshit about wearing comfortable clothes or whatever. Those types of messages are no help. You don’t know the atmosphere, is it inside or outside, or anything!” They throw their arms out and fall dramatically backward.

  I roll my eyes and toss them my phone, “here, he said comfortable clothes that are durable and I wouldn’t mind getting dirty. Also a light jacket.”

  “So boring. Clothes you don’t mind getting dirty?” Bas wrinkles their nose, “where the hell is he taking you? If you end up dead somewhere I’m going to be sad and Maribelle’s going to kick his ass.”

  I laugh, “noted. Now, stop being dramatic and help me out. Green or blue?”

  “Green of course, always green. It goes better with your skin tone. Gray and black flannel to go over it and the dark gray sweater. Wear your dark jeans and your boots. That should be a versatile enough outfit.”

  “Was that so hard?” I go to my closet and pull out all of his suggestions.

  “Yes, yes it was extremely hard. I’ll be sure to tell your boy toy that too. If he wants you looking your best then he needs to be more forthcoming with his date planning.”

  I throw a shoe at them, “no, you will say no such thing. In fact, I don’t even want you to be here when he comes.”

  “Where’s the fun in that? Another thing, why is your date at such a weird time? I don’t think he knows what he’s doing. Afternoon dates are for later in the relationship. Isn’t he some well-off bastard? He should be wine and dining you.”

  I shake my head, “that’s not his style. Or mine.”

  “Lame.”

  I don’t respond, but I do throw my shirt at them after whipping it off. “I’m taking a shower. Stay or go, I don’t care, but if you’re still here when Matthias gets here you better be on your best behavior.”

  Bas laughs but doesn’t respond and I know that’s the best I’m going to get out of them. I shut the bathroom door, locking it to make sure the ass doesn’t just waltz in.

  ***

  “I’ll get it!” Bas yells before running down the hall to the door.

  I groan. This is going to be a disaster.

  I give up trying to get my curls in some semblance of order and go rescue Matthias from Bas.

  When I make it to the entryway I have to stop and stare. Matthias is dressed much like I am, down to the boots on his feet. The sight of him leaning against the front door, laughing at something Bas said almost knocks me off my feet.

  I’ve seen him almost completely undressed before, but this, how carefree and at ease he seems to be, is something special. His blond hair isn’t perfectly combed, he’s wearing clothes that are so simple but look comfortable and lived in.

  The Matthias from two months ago is nowhere to be seen and I curse my heart out as it trips over itself for this Matthias.

  “Ready?” He smiles at me and I have to take a stabling breath.

  “Yeah.” I grab my sweater from the closet and turn to Bas, “behave. I’ll talk to you later.”

  They kiss my cheek and whisper in my ear, “don’t put out on the first date. Gotta look like a classy bitch.”

  I shove them away and pray Matthias didn’t hear any of that.

  When we’re safely buckled into his car I ask, “so, where are we going?”

  “It wouldn’t be much of a surprise now would it?”

  “You’re no fun.” I pout just like Bas taught me.

  Matthias laughs but doesn’t give me any hint. He does, however, hand me his phone and tell me to pick the music.

  *

  “Where the hell are we?” I ask, forty five minutes later as Matthias turns onto a dirt road.

  “You’ll see.”

  “If you kidnap and kill me Maribelle will kick your ass.” I warn him. “And Bas will be sad. Which I think is worse than getting your ass kicked.”

  He snorts, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  “What the fuck?” I say as he parks the car next to a few others by a barn.

  “Are we at a farm or something?”

  “Or something.”

  We exit the car just as a woman comes out of the barn and makes her way toward us.

  “Hi.” She smiles, “Matthias and Neil? I’m Kathy.”

  “I’m Matthias, this is Neil.” Matthias shakes her hand.

  “Nice to
meet you. So where are we exactly?”

  Kathy laughs, “it’s my family’s farm. Been here for generations. We give tours on horseback and-”

  I cut her off, my gaze swinging to Matthias. “Horses, really?”

  “Something wrong with horses?”

  “No.” I shake my head, “it’s been years since I’ve been on a horse, but I loved it then. I just...I didn’t expect this from you.”

  “If y’all are ready I have two lovelies saddled up for you.”

  Matthias raises an eyebrow at me and I smile and nod. “We’re ready,” he tells Kathy.

  She leads us to the other side of the barn where three horses are waiting for us. “Rosie and her sister, Daisy, are ready for you. Have you ever been riding before?”

  “A few times, but I was a teenager,” I tell her.

  “Same. And I’m older so that makes it even longer for me.”

  I elbow him. “You’re not that old.”

  “Well, I recommend Rosie for Matthias then. She’s older than Daisy and a bit more easy going. She loves working with older folks.” Kathy grins and I laugh while Matthias groans.

  That will teach him to stop bringing up the age thing.

  Kathy supervises as we settle onto the horses, giving a quick lesson on how to make them walk and stop before she jumps on her own horse and we set off.

  The farm is beautiful, set far enough out that there are hills and woods all around and no one else.

  “There are a few trails around, but we’ll take an easy route today. It’ll take about an hour and a half or so to make the loop. Feel free to ask any questions you have. You might see some goats or even a cow around. They roam mostly free this time of day.”

  “A cow?” I ask, barely able to hold back my excitement.

  “Yep. We have two. Berry and Miranda. If they’re not wanderin’ then when we get back to the main pasture y’all can pet them.”

  I look over at Matthias and grin, “I get to pet a cow. Bas is gonna be so jealous.”

  He laughs and my breath catches in my throat. The sun hits his blond hair just right and he just...glows.

  The trail ride is beautiful and peaceful, and it’s so unexpected that the stupid feelings I’ve been fighting grow that much stronger.