A Healing Story (Stories Book 3) Page 3

  “I understand why you did it, Neil, but I want you to be careful.”

  “I will be. There’s a high probability he won’t contact me. I told him the offer had an expiration date.”

  “We both know that was a lie. Don’t push yourself where you’re not wanted. As unfortunate as it is, some people can’t be saved.”

  The pain in my sibling’s voice breaks my heart. It’s another reason why as much as I hate the inevitable hurt I’m opening myself up to, I have to try. No one deserves to go through something like that.

  ***

  Hours later I’m trying and failing to forget about Matthias so I can get some sleep. My phone vibrates with a text and I groan. I want to ignore it but I can’t. Knowing I have a message makes me itch, it’s like a compulsion that I have to check my phone, even though I’m fucking exhausted.

  Unknown: Has the offer expired yet?

  I almost dropped my phone. My heart pounds in my chest. I had hoped...but I didn’t actually think I would get a reply from him. At least not this soon.

  Neil: Depends

  Matthias: On?

  Neil: How serious you are.

  It takes him a long time to respond.

  Matthias: I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m serious. I don’t know what I’m signing up for, but if it’ll help in any way, I’ll try.

  Neil: I need to think. I can be your friend but there’s a lot I need to unpack first.

  Matthias: I can't promise I won’t hurt you. It’s all I know how to do. But I’ll do whatever you want me to. I just need someone to listen.

  Neil: Meet me for brunch at Harry’s tomorrow. Eleven.

  He doesn’t respond, but then again I don’t expect him to. I have no idea what I’m about to do but I won’t back out now. We both know where we stand at the moment. I don’t trust him, but I want to believe that he meant everything he just told me.

  There’s no way I can fall asleep now. Grabbing the remote, I turn the TV on and find some mindless infomercial. It’s stupid and cheesy, but it reminds me of growing up with Bas and Maribelle. As someone who went the first ten years of life without anything to hold onto, it’s the little things that comfort me the most.

  Snuggling down in bed, I close my eyes and let the people on screen overact me to sleep.

  Neil.

  I’m early meeting Matthias but I couldn’t sit home any longer. I was going insane with my overthinking. I almost asked Bas to come with me, but the last thing Matthias needs is to be exposed to their brand of crazy right away.

  Who knows, he may get here and within the first few minutes decide to leave. Or I might leave. Or he might not show up at all.

  The restaurant I chose is nice, though not upscale enough that I stand out in my T-shirt and jeans. It’s also on the opposite end of the city from where Jamie and co. hang out. I know there’s a low risk of running into any of them since it’s Sunday and they go to Alex’s parents’ on Sundays, but you can never be too careful.

  The waitress comes by to see if I need anything besides the pot of coffee I ordered—which I’ve already drunk half of—when Matthias appears next to the booth.

  I give him a tentative smile as he sits down. The waitress asks if he needs anything besides coffee and then says she’ll be back in a bit to take our orders.

  When it’s just us sitting across from each other the awkwardness of the whole situation begins to set in.

  “I asked for the endless coffee so take what’s left,” I say as he flips over his cup.

  “Thanks,” his voice is softer than I imagined.

  As he busies himself with preparing his coffee I study him. There’s no sign that he’s related to Jamie in his features. His skin tone is a bit darker, frame broader, face more square. Unlike Jamie’s wavy brown hair, Matthias keeps his blond hair short enough that I can’t tell if it’s straight or not.

  When he’s done doctoring his drink he looks up at me with pretty, crystal blue eyes.

  “How long have you worked at Snapshot?”

  “Since it’s conception. Rhys hired me to be his PA while I was still in college, but we knew each other from before since he’s friends with my sister as well.”

  Matthias nods, “do you have any other siblings?”

  I’m not completely surprised by his questions. I’m sure he’s nervous about the real reason he called me.

  “Not blood siblings. But the two kids I was placed with at my last home are the closest people I’ve had to a real family.”

  He looks surprised at that, “you’re saying you were in foster care?”

  I nod, “I’m not ashamed of it. As hard as it was at times, I think I turned out okay.”

  I grab a menu and flip through it quickly, even though I usually always get the same thing, I like looking at my options. Matthias follows my lead and by the time the waitress brings over a fresh pot of coffee we’re ready to put in our orders.

  “When was the last time you spoke to your brother?” I ask. Matthias jerks back in his seat.

  It was a bit of a dick move on my part, but considering we were talking about my siblings it’s not that big of a leap.

  “Right before his birthday last year. I was the go-between for him and our parents. So I had texted him the day before he cut us all off.”

  “You haven’t tried to call or text since?”

  “Of course I have. We all have, but he blocked us or more like his boy toy did.”

  That raises my hackles but I let it go for now since he’s actually talking to me. “And how often do you try to go by the studio?”

  He shrugs, “last week was the first time in months. I want…” he sighs, “I don’t know what I was thinking honestly, but there was just this need to see my brother.”

  There’s something in his tone that makes me pause and look at him. The darkness from last night is still there, so is pain. Even though my guard is up for what he said, I can see the hurt that’s there, the grief of not having a relationship with Jamie.

  I have to ask because it’s important, I need to know if we’re going to move forward.

  “Matthias,” his eyes meet mine, “does anyone else know about you?”

  He flinches, “no, and if I had it my way no one else would.”

  “If this is going to work you can’t lie to me.”

  “I don’t need anyone in my life knowing that I occasionally suck cock like some fag.”

  Luckily our food arrives and I have a few minutes to gather my thoughts and not react.

  With that one sentence, I’m reminded why my friends are so adamant about him staying away. I catch a glimpse of the Matthias they have always spoken about.

  “I don’t know why you contacted me besides some vague self-pitying thing. You’re obviously serious about it since you showed up here today, but I will walk out right now if you can’t swear that you will never say something like that again.

  “You are confused as fuck about your sexuality. I know enough about your upbringing from Jamie to know that it fucked you up and that’s fine. I’ll give you time to work that out on your own, but what I will not allow is blatant disrespect and your attempts at being a bigoted prick.”

  He manages to look contrite, “I won’t say sorry because I honestly don’t know how. I know what I’ve been saying and doing is wrong and I do feel guilty, but I don’t know how to change it. Not after all this time. If you’ve spoken to Jameson then you know that our mother is a piece of work.”

  I can tell it goes deeper than that though. I don’t know all of Jamie’s history, I’m not sure anyone does outside of Rhys and Alex. But on occasion, even after all the therapy he’s had, he still gets the same look in his eyes that Matthias has right now.

  “I’m not doing this for me, Matthias. I’m doing it for you and your brother. I want to believe that you mean everything you say about wanting to be better and to change. I want you to be the guy who fearlessly followed me into the bathroom. You need to show not only me but everyone th
at you mean it.”

  “I mean it. It’s going to take time, you understand that, right? I can’t just change over thirty years of bigotry, hatred, and fear overnight.”

  “I don’t expect you to. I just expect you to make a conscious effort to not be a dick.”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  I nod because that’s all I can hope for right now. I don’t know what’s going to come next, but I’m determined to see it through.

  Matthias.

  I don’t know how I came to deserve this kindness, but I’m eternally grateful for it. I called Neil because he’s a lifeline to Jameson. But over the past hour, he’s become so much more.

  He genuinely wants to help me navigate my twisted thoughts. I can’t promise I won’t hurt him at the end of all this, but I know I’m going to try my hardest to be someone better.

  I have no other choice. I can’t carry on hating myself anymore. Not if I want to survive.

  “So,” he says as he pushes his plate to the end of the table. “What do you do?”

  I cringe, there’s nothing I hate more than talking about my boring as fuck occupation. “I’m an associate at Easton & Black Investments.”

  Neil lets out a long whistle. “You play with the big bucks then.”

  “Something like that,” I reply, praying he lets it drop.

  He cocks his head and studies me with those dark eyes of his, his curls flop across his forehead in an endearing way.

  Endearing? Get a fucking grip, Matthias. I scold myself, gritting my teeth.

  “Impressive for your bank account but leaves no room for creativity,” he says. The look on his face is so knowing.

  It’s the same as it was in the bar last night. Like he can see everything I’m trying to hide. It scares me shitless.

  “I’m not my brother,” I say, stiffly. “I’ve never had much of a creative side.”

  “Why? Too queer for you?”

  He asks the question with such vehemence that I flinch. Is this how Jameson always felt when I threw the word faggot in his face?

  “I always admired how Jameson saw the world. How he was perceptive enough to create art. Sometimes I wonder where he came from. He’s so different from the rest of our shitty family.”

  The food in my stomach turns.

  Neil’s still fucking staring. “What?” I snap.

  He shrugs. “That was more than I expected from you,” he muses. “I like you that way. Open, vulnerable. That’s the guy you should let out more often. Not this one,” he waves his hand at my tension-ridden body.

  The waitress comes by and picks up our empty plates, “can I get y’all anything else?”

  “More coffee please.” Neil smiles up at her.

  “Sure thing.”

  She shuffles off and he focuses back on me. “I’ve been hurt by closet cases before. But that was because I believed them when they said that being gay wasn’t the issue, it was just being out.” He looks away. “I don’t plan on fucking you. But I need you to know that I don’t care if you’re out or not. That’s something that comes in your own time. What I do care about is if you’re going to jerk me around by being hot and cold. Liking cock one minute and then hating me for it the next. I can’t—won’t—go through that again, for anyone.”

  “I…” I swallow around the tightening of my throat. “I’m not gay…” at least I don’t think I am.

  “No,” Neil agrees. “Bisexual probably. Maybe pan.”

  “Pan?”

  “Pansexual. It’s like bisexuality, only where bi means two, pansexual just means there’s no limit to gender, at least that’s the most basic explanation. It’s different for everyone of course.

  “I’m pan. I like people, not gender, so it’s the best label for me. Of course, you don’t have to label it if you don’t want to. Your sexuality is yours, no one else’s. At least, that’s how it should be.”

  I nod like I understand, and I do...to a point. I have a feeling that if we have any interaction outside of this brunch Google will become my best friend.

  “Just don’t screw me over and I won’t abandon you. I can’t help you repair your relationship with Jamie, but I can give you the tools you need to work on yourself and then maybe reconnect with him.”

  “Thank you. I’ll try my best.”

  “You fucking better.” He says it with a smile but I know he means it.

  It’s not fair of me to be asking so much from a stranger, but here we are. And for some reason, he wants to help me.

  For the first time in my life I feel hope.

  Neil.

  I am surrounded by crazy people.

  “It’s my birthday.” Jamie says, “I think that means you have to give me what I want.”

  “It’s a surprise.” Rhys shoots back. “For both of you. Plus, you had one hell of a surprise for my birthday, I think it’s only fair.”

  “Rhys,” and we’ve now resorted to whining it seems.

  “Jameson,” Rhys replies in the same tone. “You can wait one more day. I promise it’ll be worth it.”

  Jamie doesn’t say anything, but he does leave their office—where they’ve spent the last twenty minutes going in circles—and comes to bother me.

  “Rhys is being mean to me,” Jamie leans against my desk and pouts.

  I roll my eyes but don’t say anything. They’re exhausting even when they’re not at each other’s throats. They have the oddest relationship ever and people have given up trying to figure it out, they just know that Rhys and Jamie are a package deal.

  Sometimes they squabble like siblings, other times they act like an old married couple, then there are the moments when you see the real connection between them. The lifeline they cling to. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure that it’s healthy, but it works for them.

  And even though they like to tease and get under each other’s skin, they don’t fight. Even when they’re upset with one another they still need that thread of connection. The two of them are an interesting study in human interaction and I’m low key jealous.

  Because while I love my siblings and know they’d do anything for me and vice versa, I’ve never had someone who was firmly and completely there for me.

  “You’re so dramatic.”

  “That’s my line,” Jamie drawls.

  I snort, “y’all are rubbing off on each other.”

  He laughs, “been there, done that, don't need a repeat.” He says it loud enough for his voice to travel to the back of the studio.

  I groan and consider banging my head on the desk. “Now, you’ve done it,” I mutter.

  There’s a gleam in his whiskey brown eyes.

  Rhys stomps his way down the hall, hands on his hips, large green eyes full of fire. “Oh so my dick isn’t good enough for you now?”

  Jamie shrugs, “you know how it was back then. I almost never fucked the same guy twice.”

  Rhys purses his lips and I can see his shoulders shake from across the room as he tries to keep his amusement under wraps.

  “I’ll show you fucking if you want. I’m sure Alex wouldn’t mind a nice show, maybe he’ll join in. Hell, maybe I’ll fuck him, we all know that you only pretend to be vers, maybe he needs a good dicking.”

  Just as he says that the door opens and Noah walks in with River. Noah looks from his boyfriend to Jamie to me, I raise my hands in surrender. “Have you ever tried to get between them?” He sighs and shakes his head.

  “I’m going to go finish getting the paperwork ready for Bas.” Rhys jerks a thumb behind him before smiling sweetly at Noah.

  When Rhys goes back to the office Noah directs River over to the sitting area with her iPad.

  “How’d the appointment go?” Jamie asks.

  Noah shrugs when he makes his way back over. “Okay. Dr. Linda says we’re making progress, but sometimes it’s not easy.” He shakes his head.

  My heart goes out to him. Even though River is communicating more now than she was a year ago, Noah still takes it h
ard and blames himself for a lot. It frustrates them both because River sees and understands far more than her brother gives her credit for, which leads to this distance between them.

  I don’t know much about what goes on in their sessions with Dr. Linda Presely, that’s their business. But I do know that she’s the best at what she does and I can see the difference in both of them.

  When Jamie and Noah start talking about one of the shoots they have coming up I refocus back on my own work.

  By the time Bas shows up for their appointment with Jamie and Rhys I’m almost finished with sending out the remaining invoices from last week.

  “Afternoon,” they say, leaning over the desk to kiss my cheek with their glossy sticky lips.

  “How’s your day been?”

  Their smile dims a bit. “Could be better, but now I get to see my favorite people!”

  I grin, “don’t go telling them that. Rhys doesn’t need a bigger head.”

  “No, please, let them continue. I don’t mind having my...ego stroked.” Rhys says from the doorway.

  Bas giggles. “Naughty boy. What would your lover say.”

  “Please, take him.” Noah jokes from where he’s sitting with River.

  “I would say what I want to but there are little ears around,” Bas winks at Noah. “Now,” they clap their hands, “let’s get to work, shall we? The sooner we get this done the sooner I can go to my baby brother’s house and drink.”

  “Come on, Jame’s waiting for us.”

  With the crazy contained to one room, I finish up my work so I can shut everything down and get out of here before Bas does. Both of my siblings have keys to my place, but I don’t trust them to not go through my things so I try to be home when it’s my turn to host dinner. Neither one of them understands the concept of boundaries.

  As my computer shuts down my phone vibrates with a text. Pulling it out I’m more than a little surprised to see who it is.